A New Definition of Family

I really think I am ready to stop focusing on why this all happened...I could go over it 1000 times...a million times, and it doesn't change anything does it? Really it just hurts and confuses me...so enough of that. I could wish it different, wonder what I could have done to change the outcome. What good does any of that do but cause pain and make my heart hurt worse?

And I could make Drew the bad guy. It is/was so easy in a way...but the truth is, he's not really a bad guy. He's just lost his way, and made some mistakes (big ones yes, but who hasn't made a whopper of a mistake (or 2) in their life?)...there really is no true bad guy here.

Drew and I had a good talk today.

Painful, weepy, and really difficult - but good.

I do need to stop "what ifing" and "If onlying" Because as much as both of us may wish things were different, had turned out differently, or what have you...the simple fact remains that they are what they are. It doesn't matter who did what either, as much as it is sometimes easier to focus on that...it doesn't really do anyone any good. It just is. And we need to move on from here.

I also told him some of my worries - worried about him, worried about his involvement with Patrick, etc. Honestly, only time will tell, but I want to believe the best, so I will. I don't have it in me to be cynical or bitter for very long...or really much at all...

We probably have quite a few more difficult talks ahead. And things like divorce details, and serious new relationships in the (far) future may cause some heartache and painful twinges. BUT...I think we will be ok. I really do.

It isn't what I wanted. It isn't how I planned. And I do still wish it was different (I am working on that) But we will be a family. A strange new version of a family, but a family all the same.

I told Drew that I kinda wish we had just been awesome friends, and got drunk one night and there was Patrick. Might be a bit of an ooops, but it would make all of this so much easier. We both had a little laugh at that. Having love feelings and a broken heart makes it so hard. But no one said life was easy right? It bodes well that we can still laugh...

So, it'll take some time before we can hang out together and not have one or both of us crying...but we are stuck with each other because of Patrick, so we are making the best of it.

It helps that his family is being so wonderful and supportive. I know it isn't easy for any of us.

And the truth is, we care about each other. We really do. Maybe that's weird - but it just is.

Life is a bit crazy is it not?

So here's to letting go, new beginnings, laughing in-spite of circumstances, and a new definition of family.