Who am I?

I have no idea.

I've had too much time on my own...too many thoughts that I have been pushing back that have wriggled their way to the front of my mind. Too much thinking is never a good thing...

I feel tired.

I'm not supposed to use that word anymore. Tired is drained, old, lazy, sad, blah...but it is how I feel right now. I have all these hopes and dreams for my future, but I feel too tired to DO anything. It seems I always do that...dream, and not do anything about it. I mean my weight alone is proof of that. I have been overweight so long that I have no idea what my style is anymore, and the clothes I've been dreaming of fitting into again are probably a bit too young for me now.

How sad is that?

I feel like I am having a bit of an identity crisis.

Who am I!?

I am on a crossroads. There is enough about me that is good, that can help me become the person I want to be...but there is enough about me that is not so good...and can bring me down and keep me there. And considering the devastating blow to my self-esteem a few months ago (wow was that really just 4 months ago!?) I sometimes worry that I will take the wrong turn and just give in to the sad funk.

I'll survive no matter what, but I don't want to just survive...I want to LIVE!!!

I've just always been so afraid. Of everything...and somehow I need to stop being afraid. And I've lived with the fragile mentality for so long, it is hard to break out of the habit...I am NOT fragile! I may feel fragile sometimes, but that doesn't make me breakable, or broken, or weak...

But I feel like I am giving into it...and at the same time I feel like I need a break from being strong. Just a little one. I know - totally contradicting points - but hey, that's me.

I still have not had a good cry over all of this...crazy right!? Me! The girl who would go home early from school because he boyfriend of 1 month dumped her...the girl who pretty much stayed in bed for 2 months during the summer because her first love said "Sorry, don't love you" (This seems to happen to me alot...I could dwell on that right now...but I'll mope about it later)

I have not stopped to cry yet. Not to say I haven't cried at all, believe me I have...I just haven't cried my heart out like I normally do...

Maybe I don't do that anymore?

I don't know.

And regardless of some of the things Drew has said to me...I do not feel lost. I don't think I lost myself at all. I think I am redefining who I am...and discovering how to become who I want to be. And that is VERY different from losing myself. I know, because I've done that before too...

One thing is the same though...I just don't really know who I am.

Or maybe it would be more accurate to say that I don't know how to let go of the bad parts of myself, and be the woman I have always wanted to be...and I am terrified that I can't...

I just don't know how to do this.

Can I even do this?

Am I a sad little dreamer, who will just survive and never really accomplish anything? Or am I a woman who DOES what she dreams...a woman who lives!?

I don't know.

I'm so afraid that the first one is true...