Happiness

When I was younger I had a difficult time with happiness. I remember happy moments in my life. But I also remember crying a lot. And feeling lost, lonely, and/or desperate. Especially in my teenage years. If one little thing was wrong in my world, EVERYTHING was wrong and awful and horrible.

An actually, to be quite honest, I felt this way even in my early adult years. I'm not sure if pregnancy and motherhood changed me, if the realization that there are no guarantees in life changed me, or if it can be attributed to all that acupuncture. Maybe it is all three...

But I don't view life like this anymore. I realized, as I was walking up the stairs to go get the babbling baby, that I am happy. There are things that are quite off kilter in my life right now, things I wish were not happening, things that make me sad and sometimes make me cry. But these things do not define me or my life. They are just things that are happening.

And despite them.

I am happy.

I have a wonderful and supportive mother, who I love to hang out with. For that matter, I have a wonderful and supportive family too. I have loving, caring friends. I have an amazing child. And though he sometimes frustrates me to no end, my ex isn't so bad either...

I have a place to live. I am bettering myself and getting some money to do so; which allows me to provide nice things for myself and my child, as well as help out my mother.

I am able to stay at home with Patrick. I have a nice home to live in.

And I have Starbucks.

Really, how can I not be happy?

But it is more than that. There is something in my heart that is just...at peace. Somehow, I just know everything will be ok. Sometimes I worry too much, and sometimes I am afraid. But my fears don't rule me anymore. And the worry is not constant.

It used to be that when I had time to sit alone with my thoughts, I would always get depressed. Depressed about where my life is (or isn't). Depressed about my weight. Depressed about something going on. Anything at all would send me into a downward spiral of sadness.

But now, I can sit alone and think. And while there are still times when I become sad, more and more happy thoughts come to me. More and more I feel excited. Good. Just...happy.

I can sit in the living room and listen to the wind in the trees and feel happy. I can be on a drive with mom and Patrick, listening to a book on tape and feel happy. I can write on my lovely new computer and feel happy...

And I can do something as mundane as climb the stairs to my bedroom...and just feel happy.

It is amazing. I never knew it before, but it seems that happiness is not what is happening in our lives, but a feeling in our hearts...kinda like Christmas Spirit.

Dr. Seuss knew...and now I do too.