You Never Know

Sometimes I am so afraid.

I look at the failed relationships, failed marriages, broken hearts - in my own life, and all around me...and it is so scary. They all started out so full of promise. So full of love.

What the hell happened!? Why did they fail?

I also see some people in unhappy relationships...fighting to save something...but the other half of the relationship is not fighting. How can a man go from "I love you and want to be with you always, and will be here for you through thick and thin" to "Yeah...so...about that..."

And while I do realize that women change their minds too, and can turn out to be just as fickle as men...I have to tell you, the majority of these relationships ended because the guy just didn't want to bother any more.

So here is the scary part...you fall head over heels in love. You "KNOW" this is IT! And you must be right, because he feels it too! And all the promises he makes, he must mean it right? Because why would he say it if he doesn't mean it?

And that is just what I would like to know. Why would he say it if he doesn't mean it?

Why do guys (and some girls) think it is perfectly ok to just say something, and not actually mean it!?

And there is no way of knowing...until it is too late...

I am so afraid of being made a fool of...again...and again...

I remember when Drew and I first got together, I was very fearful...and he said something to me, that strangely enough, applies again. He said "You can't blame the new guy in your life for the crap the guys in your past said or did."

So true.

Irony at its finest.

But it is hard isn't it? To not be wary. To not think "Is this person going to change his mind/leave/lie/cheat, etc.?"

Unfortunately, it has happened to me...a lot.

It makes me wonder if there is something very wrong with me.

Or maybe not wrong...maybe just difficult? I don't really think I'm all that difficult...but I must be.

I have to be honest. I think I would date me. And I think I would be pretty happy to be married to me. In fact, I wish I was married to me...I'd probably take much better care of myself then. Weird I know.

So, why do they all leave eventually?

I mean, I even got one to marry me! He married me!!! That is supposed to mean that, no matter what, through thick and thin, I don't have to worry about him ever leaving...

God...am I naive or what!?

Or I guess...I was. Because now I know that not even marriage lasts. I guess I knew that. Being the child of a divorce and all. But, I don't know. Somehow I still thought, I would choose well, and I would not get a divorce. I thought I would do what it takes, not give up...work at it...but it takes both people wanting the relationship/marriage to work for it to work.

*sigh*

The best laid plans...

And so now I have to start over. And I have to try not to be afraid and wary to the point of pushing someone potentially awesome, away. Of course, that would require meeting someone potentially awesome...not quite there yet...still very happy hiding from men right now.

I don't know. It is just really scary to think about how, you just never know. Even with promises. Even with vows. And rings. Days together, months together, years together...even decades together...you just never know.

I hope that isn't true.

I hope so much that when you really are with the right person...you DO know that it will last.

Or at least...you are not so afraid?

Anyone?