Let's face some truths here. I'm a bit of a flake. I don't mean to be. But I am. I'll say I will do something, and I don't. I procrastinate severely, even with things I truly want to do. I rarely follow-through on anything. I do try so very hard to be a good friend/daughter/granddaughter/etc., I do keep almost all of my promises...even if I end up fulfilling them super late. But sometimes there is such a thing as "too late". I have great ideas, then don't do them because I am afraid to. Or I decide I just can't. I mean to do things and don't, even important things. I get started on something and stop, for various reasons.
I get so overwhelmed with everything that I try to avoid thinking about stuff (which translates into not doing it) because I cannot handle the stress of it.
It is absolutely frightening (paralyzingly so) and painful to look at the details of all of this. To think about/talk about these serious shortcomings.
I had a conversation with my mom today that involved all of these things. And I am still reeling a bit.
I will add another truth - I feel very strongly that these things are at least a little bit responsible for the unraveling of my marriage. And could definitely cause problems in future relationships.
That adds a whole new level of pain to it.
This stuff is the very reason why I feel inadequate, insecure, and like I am just not enough.
So I should deal with it right?
Yes, I really want to. I REALLY NEED to. But it seems to be one more thing that I just don't quite get done.
Something has to give. Something has to change.
It just hurts. It hurts a whole hell of a lot.
If you are one of the people I have been letting down for so long. I am truly sorry. I don't mean to do it. It isn't spiteful. But there is no excuse for it either. I hope you will bear with me. I want to change. And I will.
Thank you for your love and support.
<3
S~
"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty."
— Maya Angelou
I love you so much and I can completely and utterly relate to what you are saying. For the last three or four days I have been trying to formulate my thoughts and feeling so I can pull them together to write about them.
ReplyDelete::HUGEST OF HUGS::
I love you so muchly. I am right there with you.
*hugs back*
ReplyDeleteI love you too!
I say just write. Maybe it'll make sense, maybe it won't. But it might feel good to let it all out.
You are so right to say "Write!" Putting your thoughts into words is the first step for change. Let's face it - when they are staring you in the face, it is much harder to shove them down deep where they hopefully will disappear (but never actually do!). So you girls keep pushing yourselves and each other. You'll be glad that you did.
ReplyDelete