Being Fat

You can call it whatever you like - curvy, diva-sized, plus-sized, chubby, big-boned, etc. Really, it is just fat. And I hate it!
The strange thing is, I'm not even the heaviest I've ever been, but I feel worse about my body now, than I ever have before. Pregnancy changes a woman's body utterly. A subject for a different post.

I've had a problem with my weight for a very very long time. No, that isn't quite right. I've thought I was fat since middle school. I didn't actually become fat until college (what a sad waste!). Then I lost the weight, still thought I was fat...then got fatter...and fatter...lost it, got fatter, lost it, got pregnant (and fatter)...

And here I am. Still fat.
It is a horrible feeling. Demoralizing.
I often hide away, because I am sure people must think I am disgusting. I feel like an ogre. A troll. Some kind of Sci-Fi blob monster.

Yes, I am making changes. I've even started losing weight. But I have such a long way to go. It is very hard to be fat. Not so much because people are judging me, most people are so caught up in their own lives they don't really notice my wobbly bits. Nor do they particularly care. No, it is so hard because of how I judge myself.
This is another thing I am working on. I would never think the things I think about myself, about someone else. I would never be that cruel. That harsh and unkind.

The thing about being fat is that it doesn't just affect your body, it affects your entire life.
But your life doesn't change once you are no longer fat...you have to be brave and change your life first.

I hate being fat. So I am not going to be fat anymore.